An education

This season? It feels insane. Full to the brim, and spilling over. I work full-time, Jake is in school full-time, plus working part-time (with close to full-time hours lately). And our kids? Those tiny humans have to go somewhere while we are doing all of the above. Our weeks are a jumble of schedules and drop-off and pick-up negotiations. We have FOUR convertible car seats and would you believe how much gosh dang time we spend moving them around from one vehicle to another?

The days are long; we spend a lot of time dividing, conquering, and solo-parenting. Recently, I was home alone with the kids in the evening. Jake had prepped part of dinner in the crockpot, and I was working on a pot of rice at the stove right after getting home from work and childcare pick-up. Lyla was starving, so I went ahead and dished up dinner for her and Fisher. I would just eat later (typical). After dinner, we headed up for a quick bath. When both kids were clean, dry, and into their jammies, I asked Lyla to go play downstairs while I put her brother to bed.

I came down five minutes later to find that she had set a place for me at the table. She knew I was hungry, but that I hadn’t had a chance to eat dinner yet. So while I was tending to her brother, she got her stool out of the pantry, retrieved her beloved Sophia the First plate, cup, and silverware, and set everything out nicely for me.

I choked down all of my mama tears and instead gave her a huge smile. “I see you being kind,” I said, a phrase they use at preschool to acknowledge their peers when they see them acting out in kindness.

***

I very intentionally got both of my degrees before having kids. I did not want to juggle all of the things. This has served us well. My job (mostly) pays the bills and Jake will get his degree at a bargain as a result of my university employment. We knew exactly what we were getting into when Jake went back to school, but it’s still been a major adjustment.

As grateful as I am that my time in school is done and gone (seriously, so grateful), I am so glad the kids get a chance to see this. We knew this season was not going to be just a blip on the radar. This was not going to be like my two years of grad school right after getting married. I’m not saying that was so easy; we were newlyweds who had just moved to a new state after all. But we were young and life was simpler - we didn’t have children to raise and a mortgage to pay. Jake going back to school requires a 4-5 year commitment, at a time when we are very much in the trenches with tiny kids.

We also knew with deep-rooted clarity that this was absolutely the next right thing for our family.

***

By all accounts, my academic and career path has been easy. The trail was mostly straight, well-paved, well-lit, and well-traveled. I had to navigate very few, if any, bumps in the road. But Jake’s path? It’s been windy and rocky; up until very recently, we didn’t really know where it was going. Now the path ahead is straight, but it is steep. We know where we’re going, but it’s going to take awhile to get there. And we’re carrying a lot of weight.

But the other night? The other night, my almost-four-year-old picked up a bag to help lighten her mama’s load.

Our babies - they see us. Admittedly, there was a teensy part of me that wished that Lyla hadn’t noticed that I needed help. For a moment, it felt like an unfair burden for a preschooler to bear. Is this pace becoming untenable? Are the kids doing okay? Our family should be spending more time together. But the truth is that sometimes the next right thing is difficult. Sometimes really important things require hard work and sacrifice. And isn’t that important for our kids to see, too?

Fisher may not remember much about this phase of life, but Lyla will. Odds are good she is blissfully unaware of the flurry of texts, emails, phone calls and car seat swapping that goes on behind the scenes. I was the designated preschool pick-up person for childcare twice last week, a realm usually reserved for Jake or our childcare provider. When I arrived on Friday, her preschool teacher, Sarah, shared with me how excited Lyla was that I would be picking her up. “She’s probably told me no less than 3 times that you’re coming.”

Where I see chaos and inconsistency, Lyla sees a fun, out-of-the-ordinary day where she gets to see her mom for a little bit.

I’m sure Lyla will remember how much fun she had at preschool, spending time with her Nonnie, and going on bug hunts with her sweet friends at childcare. But I hope she also remembers how hard we worked - to support our family, to help her dad achieve a really big, long time goal. I hope she remembers how much her mom and dad leaned on each other. Mostly, I hope she remembers feeling safe, secure, and well-loved - that the chaotic seasons of life didn’t do a thing to change that.

We do hard things, but we do them together.