Go for three?

I recently googled "how to decide to have a third baby."  The responses were nearly endless - blog posts that ranged from snarky to serious, but almost all of which said the same things.  I could have written nearly every single one of them myself.

Truthfully - this question haunts me almost on the daily.  I probably bring it up with Jake at least once a week (which I'm sure he loves).  To be clear - Jake is (mostly) clear on this matter.  Two is good for him; it's what he's wanted all along.  I've wanted three all along.  So here we are.

Unlike other big family decisions, this one somehow feels monumental in scope.  Like everything hangs in the balance and this might really tip the scales one way or another.  I don't think that's actually true; it's just that the longer we think about it, the bigger it seems to get. I honestly don't remember agonizing like this over getting pregnant with Lyla.  We wanted a baby and I was done with grad school, so - boom, we got pregnant.  And Fisher?  Well, we all know we didn't give ANY thought to that.  But we knew we wanted another baby, so ultimately, the surprise didn't really matter.

My current freak out is largely due to the fact that our youngest baby will turn one in a matter of weeks.  Fifteen days to be exact (but who's counting??).  If he's my last baby, surely I must soak in all of the baby things - his chubby thighs, the days of footy pajamas, the cuddles, his adorable little wave, the way he says woof, woof anytime he sees anything remotely resembling a dog, the last days of nursing (although as each of my babies have approached one they've developed a real aptitude for gym-nurse-tics that makes it real easy to be ready to wean them).  Every time I pack up another tote of baby items to store in the garage, I wonder to myself, is this it?  (Although - the storing of all the baby things in the garage would seem to indicate that we are, indeed, not ready to say this is it.)

The reasons not to go for it?  Oh, they're all very logical.  Three kids will cost more (with childcare being the primary concern), we will likely need a bigger vehicle, our house has three bedrooms so two kids will have to share, we probably won't be able to travel as much (not that we do that so much with the two we have now), we'll be up and out of the diaper/baby phase sooner than later, we can tag team the kids right now (and we do - Fisher prefers me and Lyla prefers Jake).  You know, the usual suspects.  I'm not knocking these reasons - they are entirely sound and rational.  Also, in case anyone has forgotten, Fisher was HUGE.  I would be lying if I didn't admit to having concerns about carrying another giant baby like that (the last trimester of pregnancy being much worse than my very short, very unmedicated labor and delivery).

The reasons to do it?  All the touchy-feely, heartwarming ones.  I like big families.  I think families with 4-5 kids are so cool.  I am not at all prepared to have that many kids, but when I spend time with families that do, it is chaotic (for sure), but also really fun.  I was one of two kids for a long time and ALWAYS wanted more siblings.  I asked for a baby sister every year for years on end.  I got one, eventually, but I wish we were closer in age.  I want a big family around my table, both now and for the years to come.  Also, newborns are delicious and the baby phase is my jam - give me all the babies!

To really muddy the waters, we are also talking about growing our family by way of the foster system.  This idea isn't entirely new; we first discussed it years ago, when my background in social work and experience volunteering for three months in a Romanian children's hospital were still pretty fresh.  It resurfaced recently during an episode of This is Us.  If you watch the show, you know the one.  I looked over at my husband during a commercial break to see tears pouring down his face.  The episode ended and I quietly voiced the question - would you ever want to foster?  His yes was swift and clear, without hesitation - quite unlike all the other conversations we've had about adding a third.  We know; navigating the foster care system would be undeniably more complicated than birthing another child.  BUT... we live in a community where there's a huge need, and while it might be really, really difficult, it might also be really, really wonderful. 

We are all over the place, quite obviously.

You'll just have to stay-tuned, friends, because the irony is that this decision is by no means urgent.  We're realistically several months to even a year or two out from making this call.  In the meantime, I'll keep spinning my wheels and waffling from no way in hell (after weekends like this past one) to being 110% on board (cue me looking through Fisher's year of photos in preparation for his upcoming birthday).  I blame the baby.