Motherhood
I realized recently that this blog has morphed very much into a narrative about our baby girl... from pregnancy to birth to each new stage we walk through with her. It appears as though everything Jake and I do is about her. I considered apologizing for this, for the way things have shifted so much to being about our life as two becoming three. But I'm not going to. (Between you and me, I think people apologize altogether too much these days. Myself included.) The truth of the matter is that adjusting to two becoming three IS our reality right now. Lyla shapes just about everything in our life down to the very bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. We are talking the basics, folks--eating, sleeping, heck, sometimes I can't even go to the bathroom when I want to.
Yes, I am still wife, daughter, sister, friend and employee. But no role in my life has ever been as consuming as mama. It is the best, most challenging role I have ever taken on. There is a "Lyla" piece of my brain that is ALWAYS on. When she was about 6 weeks old, I was totally overcome with the reality that I had just committed myself to a lifetime of worry (why this suddenly occurred to me then, I don't know. I was probably just in sleep-deprived survival mode for those first weeks). Who knew that love could be so terrifying?! You suddenly understand your parents so much more in those moments. (I.e., this is why my mother makes me text her from every major landmark en route from Corvallis to Klamath Falls, even though I am a 28-year-old grown woman with my own child who hasn't lived under her roof in 10 years.)
Oh heart of my heart and flesh of my flesh, there would not be enough oxygen left in the world for me to breathe if anything ever happened to you.
This is not to say that the adjustment has been entirely easy. Actually, I will say this--becoming a mama was a very natural progression for me. BUT, the transition to becoming a full-time working wife and mama has been totally and completely overwhelming. I did not anticipate this. At all. I love all of my roles. I love being married. I love being a mom. I love my job. And the honest to goodness truth is that I feel like I fail in at least one of these roles on any given day. The knowledge that I have done my very best and yet I still don't measure up (to my own inner critic) makes me weary in my very soul. The other honest truth is that I feel ridiculous even saying that out loud. I am actually complaining about having too much good in my life. Are you kidding?? I've had to take a step back and realize that I WANTED it all. I GOT it all. And now I have to DO it all. Ohhhh. The thing is that I simply can't do it all (without losing my mind). My house is a disaster. There are always dishes in the sink. Our bed is rarely made. I always have more work to do. There are never enough hours in the day, and certainly not enough hours of sleep. Jake and I have to extend each other grace often and in abundance.
And yet, I wouldn't do anything differently (well, except get a housekeeper. We ARE getting a housekeeper). Even on a particularly challenging day like this past Saturday. My daughter went to bed early after a day of nap-striking, and my husband worked allllll day and well into the night (after already working late for several nights in a row). And I missed her. I sat in my living room looking at photos and watching videos of her during my first spare "me-time" moments of the day. If that's not crazy, I don't know what is.
It is a crazy season. A crazy, overwhelming, exhausting, and entirely wonderful season. I am so thankful for the encouraging words of fellow mamas and dear friends--some of whom work and some of whom stay home. No mommy wars here. Only understanding and support. And assurance that I am not, in fact, losing my mind. So, for the very foreseeable future, you will be seeing a whole lot of Lyla on the blog... and maybe the occasional mama ramblings from me :).
Yes, I am still wife, daughter, sister, friend and employee. But no role in my life has ever been as consuming as mama. It is the best, most challenging role I have ever taken on. There is a "Lyla" piece of my brain that is ALWAYS on. When she was about 6 weeks old, I was totally overcome with the reality that I had just committed myself to a lifetime of worry (why this suddenly occurred to me then, I don't know. I was probably just in sleep-deprived survival mode for those first weeks). Who knew that love could be so terrifying?! You suddenly understand your parents so much more in those moments. (I.e., this is why my mother makes me text her from every major landmark en route from Corvallis to Klamath Falls, even though I am a 28-year-old grown woman with my own child who hasn't lived under her roof in 10 years.)
Oh heart of my heart and flesh of my flesh, there would not be enough oxygen left in the world for me to breathe if anything ever happened to you.
This is not to say that the adjustment has been entirely easy. Actually, I will say this--becoming a mama was a very natural progression for me. BUT, the transition to becoming a full-time working wife and mama has been totally and completely overwhelming. I did not anticipate this. At all. I love all of my roles. I love being married. I love being a mom. I love my job. And the honest to goodness truth is that I feel like I fail in at least one of these roles on any given day. The knowledge that I have done my very best and yet I still don't measure up (to my own inner critic) makes me weary in my very soul. The other honest truth is that I feel ridiculous even saying that out loud. I am actually complaining about having too much good in my life. Are you kidding?? I've had to take a step back and realize that I WANTED it all. I GOT it all. And now I have to DO it all. Ohhhh. The thing is that I simply can't do it all (without losing my mind). My house is a disaster. There are always dishes in the sink. Our bed is rarely made. I always have more work to do. There are never enough hours in the day, and certainly not enough hours of sleep. Jake and I have to extend each other grace often and in abundance.
And yet, I wouldn't do anything differently (well, except get a housekeeper. We ARE getting a housekeeper). Even on a particularly challenging day like this past Saturday. My daughter went to bed early after a day of nap-striking, and my husband worked allllll day and well into the night (after already working late for several nights in a row). And I missed her. I sat in my living room looking at photos and watching videos of her during my first spare "me-time" moments of the day. If that's not crazy, I don't know what is.
It is a crazy season. A crazy, overwhelming, exhausting, and entirely wonderful season. I am so thankful for the encouraging words of fellow mamas and dear friends--some of whom work and some of whom stay home. No mommy wars here. Only understanding and support. And assurance that I am not, in fact, losing my mind. So, for the very foreseeable future, you will be seeing a whole lot of Lyla on the blog... and maybe the occasional mama ramblings from me :).
Casey- Thank you for writing with such boldness and gracefilled resolve. Beautifully done. <3
ReplyDeleteI love this. I see so much of this in our near future. I love that you love all that you do. We will never be perfect at everything we do, all we can do it try. You're doing great mama. I can't wait to see you Sunday. :)
ReplyDelete-Kim
Love you, ladies! Thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDelete